Monday, August 08, 2011


Last fall, when Jim and I returned from Swaziland confident thatGod was calling us to move over there to live and serve, the three years until he retired and we could go seemed like an eternity. Now I'm filling out the application for the organization we want to serve with and my stomach is in knots.

Not that I am having second thoughts. I definitely am more convinced than ever that God wants us to go. It just makes it so real and it brings up past issues that do, I must admit, make me nervous. When I went through the Journeyman 2-year missionary program selection and training process about a million years ago as a college senior and then recent graduate, I had a really "challenging" experience ... to put it mildly. It was one of the hardest things I had faced up to that point in my life but God gave me the determination to pursue His call despite the obstacles and I went on to spend two amazing years in Africa.

We believe that we are pursuing the path that God has for us with this organization. I feel a passion for their vision of ministry that I think must truly be from the Lord as it isn't something I even knew about just a couple of years ago. When I think of the people group they are serving and the way they are doing it, I get so excited. And God really seemed to confirm this direction for us every step along the way while we were in Swaziland.

And yet I fear. Not that we won't go to Africa and not that God can't use us. But there is a part of me that still fears that people won't like me, won't accept me, won't want me for their group.

I'm 45. I've walked with the Lord for 38 years ago. He has set me free in so many ways for the need to be a people pleaser. I've learned to say "no" when I need to. I've learned to be tough when that's what is needed. I've learned that someone being angry with me doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love me or want me. I've learned that I'm not perfect and there's no point in faking it. I've quit being a people pleaser in many ways. But it is still there, just not controlling my every move and word. Just some of them.

And tonight, I'll make myself vulnerable and confess that I'm once again facing the fear of not being wanted and not being liked.

Would you pray for us?

Pray that God will continue to direct our steps and at this point, that means to direct us as we answer our application questions.

Pray that as the ministry folks process our applications that they'll know God's will for us where they are concerned.

And pray for me. Pray that ultimately God will be the one I want to please. Pray that I'll be set free from the fear of not being wanted. And pray that I'll be able to just rest in Him that this is just one of the many details that He wants me to let Him be in control of as we walk this journey towards our life of loving Swaziland in Swaziland.


Rhonda Jeanne said...

Definitely praying, sweet friend.

Elysa said...

Thank you! Thought of you today as Betsie and I were walking around Fondren. When I come home on furloughs, a Rhonda date in Fondren will be on the "to do" list.