Musings from Graceland

10 Rules of Housekeeping

As sent to me via email this a.m. ;)

* "Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers." Say this with a serious face and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

* Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

* Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply say, "What? And spoil the mood?"

* Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

* If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love for you to see our den but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

* If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

* Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

* Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch 'The Galapagos Islands' and claim an ecological exemption.

* Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."