This has been a rough week in some ways emotionally around the MacHouse.
A friend's father died unexpectedly this morning. Another dear friend's husband suddenly collapsed and died on Sunday. And a couple of days ago, I found out that an addict I'd been befriending through the We Will Go ministry had died of an overdose a few weeks ago. Add to that, just the emotional stress that occurs on a regular basis as we face many changes in preparation for moving to minister in Jackson and then on to Swaziland.
The other night, six year old Merry crawled up in my lap and just cried and cried over the fact that our horses will soon be going to a new home. One of my other children cried today about our future housing situation and where they'll be sleeping when we move.
And I'll admit, that though I've not broken down in tears yet, I've also faced emotional pain and angst. We have had such a wonderfully idyllic life out here. When we get home in the evening, those hours are ours. We live in a quiet neighborhood and the rowdiest things get is the coyotes barking or the neighbors shooting off fireworks or target practicing. Our house might be a bit messy, but its comfy with plenty of elbow room and lots of space for all our stuff.
But times they are a'changing. God is calling us to live in a committed community of other believers, that though it will bring many blessings, will also bring many sacrifices. We'll have meetings we have to attend, ministry activities to participate in, less space for less stuff, and for folks who have been used to roaming the countryside, we'll have to adjust to city living.
Last week, I had a Keith Green CD playing as I worked out. These lyrics started playing ---
Well, I pledge my head to heaven for the gospel,
And I ask no man on earth to fill my needs.
Like the sparrow up above, I am enveloped in his love,
And I trust him like those little ones, he feeds.
Well I pledge my wife to heaven, for the gospel,
Though our love each passing day just seems to grow.
As I told her when we wed, I'd surely rather be found dead,
Than to love her more than the one who saved my soul.
I'm your child, and I want to be in your family forever.
I'm your child, and I'm going to follow you,
No matter whatever the cost, I'm gonna count all things lost.
Well I pledge my son to heaven for the gospel.
Though he's kicked and beaten, ridiculed and scorn.
I will teach him to rejoice, and life a thankful praising voice,
And to be like him who bore the nails and crown of thorns.
I'm your child, and I want to be in your family forever.
I'm your child, and I'm going to follow you,
No matter whatever the cost, I'm gonna count all things lost.
Oh no matter whatever the cost, I'm gonna count all things lost.
Well I've had the chance to gain the world, and to live just like a king,
But without your love, it doesn't mean a thing.
Oh no matter whatever the cost, I'm gonna count all things lost,
Oh no matter whatever the cost, I'm gonna count all things lost.
Well I pledge my son, I pledge my wife, I pledge my head to heaven,
I pledge my son, I pledge my wife, I pledge my head to heaven, for the gospel.
Now obviously, I don't have a wife. But I have a husband, and I have a son --- actually three sons and four daughters. And I have a life --- a fabulous life filled with so many blessings.
But I'm God's child and I want to follow Him no matter what He asks or what happens. I want to always be willing to give it all for the sake of His gospel, His good news that He has for the world. Sometimes, I lose sight of why we're doing this. It is easy to get focused on my own discomfort, my own pain, my own stress. I start whining and feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, I'm not backing out, but I'm not exactly doing what all needs to be done without turmoil and complaining.
I want to be able to open my hands freely to release my hopes, my dreams, my comforts, my stuff. I want to be so in love with Jesus that, just like a love-sick girl is reckless with her devotion to the one who has captured her heart, I'll be reckless with my devotion. I want to be consumed with Him. I want to not just begrudgingly give it away for Him but I want to willingly give it away.
I'm not there yet. I still feel my stomach tightening and even aching at the thought of getting rid of stuff dear to me. I still find myself worrying about who is going to buy our house. And I definitely feel overwhelmed at all that has to be done to get our house ready for this move.
I pray that He'll change my heart. I pray that He'll provide what we need when we need it. I pray that He'll give us peace and strength. I pray that through this all I will learn to trust Him more and more.
Because I know He's faithful even when I'm not. I know that He'll keep using us even when we are inadequate. I know that He loves me and delights in me even when I forget these things and doubt Him.
Oh Lord, You treat me so much better than I treat you or than I deserve.
Forgive me for when I cling tightly to my rights, my possessions, my perceived needs, my time. Help me say with all sincerity "no matter the cost, I'm gonna count all things lost" and then do it with peace, joy, and trust.
1 comment:
Oh my friend, God fill your family with expectant joy of the miracles He will do in your lives as you chose adventure for the kingdom over complacent comfort. God wrap his arms of love around you and your little ones and give you peace. His arm is not too short and you cannot ever out give God. I so long to be in the same place you are in. I hope and pray that we are right behind you, ready and willing to let go. It's not ours anyway. No one would blame you if you did back out. It's huge. But if God really truly called you to do this then it will happen in his timing. You know all that I'm preachin to the choir but it's a reminder to remember. Think of all the times he has brought you through before. After the fire your lives were richer. this is another fire of flames you can't see but do feel. love to you.
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