The last couple of days or so I've just had a case of the blah's...negative blah's even. Now for some folks, this wouldn't be a big deal. In fact, for some folks, it's more the norm than the exception. But not for me. I'm that Pollyanna kinda girl that usually throws a party when life gives you lemons...yeah, not just makes lemonade, but uses it as an excuse for a shindig. I'm usually raring to go be with people and if I have the chance to go and love on some "least of these", I'm all for it.
But I had to make myself go minister yesterday with our inner-city friends. I just didn't want to go. I simply wanted to stay home and get in the bed with my book and some m&m's and get a good long read in before a deep, sleep nap. But I went. And I'm glad I did. The smiles that are brought out by such simple things as talking to a little one or taking a photo of a boy doing flips on the trampoline are balm to the heart.
And I even went back this morning and did some cleaning up at the "free store" this morning...sweeping, hanging up clothes, straightening the shoes, whatever.
It felt good knowing I was about my Father's business and taking care of those He loves.
But I still have a hurting in my heart. And though I don't feel really "blah", I do feel just sort of sad.
And I've thought about it and prayed about it and thought some more. Yeah, it's been rainy and overcast a LOT lately Yeah, some of the kids have been sick...hubby, too. Yeah, some extra stuff has been added to my plate. But I really think it's more than just those things. I really think the main thing is that I'm just plain homesick.
I miss Africa.
I miss Swaziland in particular.
I know I'm supposed to be content wherever I am. I know I'm supposed to trust that God will send me back there in His perfect timing. I know all these things with my head.
But once again, I find my heart just doesn't understand.
My heart just doesn't get it.
My heart hurts.
I miss laughing African children, the sunsetting over the rugged terrain,women dancing despite the hardships, men crafting beautiful art out of whatever they find, old gogo grannies full of joy, monkeys running across the road, relationships meaning more than schedules and to-do lists, church services that last for 3 and 4 hours and no one complains, Swazi voices raised in amazing harmony, safely picking up hitch-hikers, a slower pace of life.
Those are just a few of the things that I miss. I could write on and on about the things my heart longs for.
Longs so badly that it is physically hurting me.
I've got to find peace. I've got to focus more on God and who He is and the fact that He is in control and He knows what is best.
I know that in His perfect timing it will happen.
I can not spend my life here missing out on the joys and relationships and opportunities of now.
But it is so very, very hard.
May God forgive me.
And please, pray for me.