Saturday, February 23, 2008


So far I'm doing much better today at keeping my emotions on an even keel. Yesterday was my worst day emotionally since returning from Swaziland...actually my worst day ever in a long time. I'm still feeling a great deal of anger, frustration, guilt, and grief. But I'm at least able to function fairly normally. I stayed up late watching videos and reading blogs related to Swaziland and fell asleep praying about the situation and what God wants from us. Whenever I stay up too late, I always feel guilty and determined that my kids will not pay the price for my stupidity. I've already made the kids, my teenage niece from out of town, and our next door neighbor a big breakfast of waffles, eggs, and turkey bacon. We spent time sharing what our worst and best moments of 2008 have been so far. And we had Bible and prayer time.


Now we're all getting ready to go do fun stuff for a while...a birthday party, going to a novelty soda emporium in honor of my niece's visit, picking up books from the library, etc. The big girls will be going to a big Christian rock festival tonight and I dyed hair purple of two of their heads.

Life goes on. I know my husband and kids need me. They need a mom that is fully with them even though I feel like a huge chunk of me is residing on another continent.

I still struggle inside and find myself questioning almost every aspect of my American life.


My friend Deidra sent me an email this morning. It was so spot on. It really capsulates what I'm experiencing. I know that others are dealing with similar issues so I wanted to post it here in the hope that it will help others.

"I read your blog post from yesterday and my heart is breaking with you. It is such a tragic has to be so difficult for you to just compartmentalize all of what you experienced and move on with your life as if nothing has changed...when in fact, everything has changed. You need time to process and time to grieve for all of the suffering you have seen. Don't let people rush you into feeling like you need to "just get over it."

I don't have to tell you that your own children are your priority at this season in your already know that. That's a big part of what makes this struggle so hard for you. But if this is not the time for your family to go to Swaziland full-time, you can still be's not all or nothing. There are things that you can do from here...create an action plan. Hopefully that will empower you and help to ease the incredible pain you are feeling.

Probably the most important thing is to be the voice of those dear, hurting people. Continue to educate us all on what is going on...and specifically what we can do to help. Organize fund-raisers if what's needed most is money. Talk to others about going to serve...maybe contact some other churches and go speak to them. Stay in touch with those who are serving over there now and encourage them. You can make a huge difference even while you are still here.

God has trusted you with this burden. I know it's hard. I love you and I'm praying for you.


Thank you, Deidra. And thank you to all the others who love me enough to pray for me and walk through this journey with me.


Karen Deborah said...

Wow right on. That was a wonderful word of encouragement! I cried a lot leaving Colombia too. When I came home I felt like we are the ones who are wretched and poor and blind. The people of Colombia impacted me in such a powerful way. They were full of the richest beauty and so loving. It was very hard when I came back. I have been struggling with discontentment too. Thank you for posting these comments. Today was a horrible day for me, not related to any of these things but I felt totally attacked, straight from the pit of hell. We have to trust God's timing and sometimes that is just plain hard. Especially when it feels like you've already marched around that mountain for the hundredth time. I can so relate to the children of Israel's wilderness experience. Sometimes we all feel like our life is a holding pattern and just when will get to where we are going? When will do something significant? Dierdre offered some really good ideas, what a blessing to have such a sensitive friend. The Lord gave her that precious word of comfort, with wisdom.

Ashley said...

Thank you for sharing the email from your dear friend. I NEEDED THAT, TOO!